I've written and re-written this blog post four or five times today - I keep changing what I want to say and can't seem to make my mind up! I think I realised something important today. I've been applying for lots of jobs lately, and you always get asked these questions about how you will cope with deadlines, and pressure, and responsibility. Now I've always thought that I'm okay at these things, and that when I have a job next year I'll be able to handle the responsibilities that come with my work, because after all, that's what an office job is all about really. But these questions really got me thinking about how these issues apply not just to my future job, but to my life in general.
In particular, it struck me today that sometimes you just don't have the time or resources that you need to meet all the deadlines you've been given. This doesn't just apply to the office; I mean at home as well. Sometimes I find myself feeling caught between different pressures, and seeing no way I can find the time to do everything I need to. And I don't respond in the right way. I will do one of three things.
The first is complain. I don't usually do this out loud (though Laura will tell you otherwise!) but I internalise these feelings of "this isn't fair; it shouldn't be like this" and "if I'm this busy it must be because I've been given too much responsibility; I'm doing too much stuff". This frequently leads to me being grumpy and/or blaming others for "not helping out enough".
The second way that I respond is to panic. Instead of prioritising and being realistic about how much I can get done, I will try to do everything at once in a flustered manner, and in doing so I completely fail to get anything done. When this happens, disaster is looming.
The third and final reaction is overdrive. When all else fails, I will bury myself in whatever I need to do (especially true when it's studying) until I have done the task. This would be fine, except a) it's not always realistically going to work, and b) in doing so I neglect everyone and everything else and end up dumping a load of other responsibilities on my fiancée while I'm trying to cope with the ones I'm so bothered about in the first place. Whilst this can get things done, it's rarely fair to her and it's not healthy for me either.
So I think I need to change my attitude a bit. My realisation from doing those job apps, that sometimes you don't have the time to do everything you need to, comes as a bit of a relief. I have been assuming that things should never go wrong, and when they do I try to blame outside influences for the dilemma, or attempt some unrealistic method to get everything done. But I hope that now I've realised this, I will learn to keep my head, to tackle the important issues first, and if I drop the ball a bit here and there, not to beat myself up about it too much. Whilst this really is a relief (as for once, there is a practical way to tackle these issues rather than my usual disaster zone), it's also extremely difficult for me to admit, since I now have to actually do what I've said I'll do.
So...I'm not going to run away from these things any more. I'm going to stay cool, prioritise, and not freak out when things get a bit hairy. Please, please, if you are reading this, wish me luck in actually sticking to this, because something tells me I'm going to need it.
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